What Women Really Want...

If you google "Mother's Day" anytime from the end of April through the first part of May, you will find all sorts of things, from deals to gift suggestions to blog posts about Mother's Day. And then there are the Dads who have no clue. If this is you, you might want to read this compiled list of tips to help you with Mother's Day without getting yourself in trouble. If you have already gotten yourself in trouble, then consider bookmarking this page or saving it to your favorites and reading it again at the end of next April to avoid the same thing happening the next time around.

1. Do not EVER pull the "You're not my mother so I'm not obligated to give you a gift" card. Just don't do it. Your wife may not be your mother but she is the mother of your children. Plus, you most likely have to live with her and would like to continue living with her after Mother's Day is over. Just do something to make her feel special or at least acknowledge that she is the mother of your children and that you appreciate everything she does for them and your family in general. Trust me...using this excuse is simply not an option.

2. What you give your wife doesn't have to be extravagant or expensive; homemade gifts are fine if they have meaning. In fact, you might even be able to get away with not buying her anything if you have the kids make homemade projects for her and do things throughout the day to make her feel special (but you will probably have to do both!) If you do decide to buy her a gift, do not buy her something related to cleaning or cooking (unless you are 100% sure she enjoys cooking). If you are going to buy her something, buy her something you know she wants but would never buy for herself. It is also ok to allow the kids to help with this but it is best to steer them in the right direction if you think they need it. If you bring home something the kids picked out that is random and doesn't have any meaning, she will just be confused. Ultimately, most mothers really just want to know that someone thought of them that day and that they are appreciated for what they do. Being a mother is probably the hardest job in the whole world. Sometimes it's the little things that will keep her happy.

3. Bring her breakfast (or even just coffee) in bed. This is something that never gets old. Mothers rarely get to eat an entire meal all the way through without having to nurse the baby, get up to get someone else another fork, or help someone go to the bathroom in the middle of it. Mothers rarely get to eat their food at the right temperature, so on Mother's Day, I'm sure she would appreciate that luxury. Also, this option doesn't cost you anything but just a few extra minutes of sleep.

4.Take the kids for a walk or get them out of the house for even just a half hour so she can have some time to herself. You may assume that she will want to spend every waking minute with her kids on Mother's Day, and that might be true, but I guarantee you she will appreciate even just 20 minutes to herself.

5. Make her dinner or take her out for dinner and plan something special to do as a family. If you are unsure of what she would like to do that day, just come up with a couple of options or suggestions and ask which she would like to do. She'll appreciate that you thought to come up with some ideas of your own ahead of time instead of just waiting until the morning of to ask her open-endedly "what would you like to do today?" And don't wait an hour before dinner to ask her where she wants to eat. For one thing, by then, it is likely you won't get in anywhere at a decent hour, and it makes it look like you haven't even thought about it. I realize that a lot of mothers have very specific ideas about what they would like to do on Mother's Day, but at least thinking up a couple of options for her to choose from will go a long way. Trust me. As far as dinner goes, there are typically tons of places that offer Mother's Day deals, so it doesn't even have to be all that expensive if you take her out. And don't take her to a place that offers a "free slice of pie for Mom" or any kind of free dessert for her unless you plan on buying dessert for your kids as well. I can guarantee that your wife won't see any part of that slice of pie if you do.
    
6. If you have children in diapers or who need help going to the bathroom, offer to take over those duties for the day. If your wife stays at home with the kids, she does this every single day and would probably appreciate the break.
    
7. If you have a child who wakes up in the middle of the night, offer to take care of him or her so that your wife can get more sleep. You can do this the night before Mother's Day or the night following Mother's Day. Do both nights if you want to score extra points.
    
8. Offer to give your wife a massage, especially if she complains of back pain or feeling tense. If she is making comments about those types of aches and pains, then she is probably hinting at a massage anyway.

9. If you have small children, make sure they are wearing a "Mommy" shirt. Children are not always good at showing their mothers that they love them. And even though we know they love us, it is still nice to be reminded of it whenever we see our children. I know it sounds silly, but it makes me feel a lot better just to have the visual reminder of "I love Mommy" on my daughter's shirt.

10. Do not, I repeat, do not ask her or insinuate that she should plan her own day. Mothers get one day out of the entire year that they should be made to feel special and it is your job to figure out how to do that. If you're not sure how to go about this, then ask her friends to help you or come up with some options and talk about it with her directly. Mothers may not know how they would like to celebrate if they are asked "what do you want to do?" but she might be better able to make a decision if she is given some options. Plus, it lets her know that you have actually tried to come up with something on your own. Chances are, your wife plans every other party/event/vacation/miscellaneous thing that happens in your lives, but she probably doesn't want to plan her own special day, at least not without some thoughtful ideas and input from you to make her feel like you actually thought about it.

11. Think about what your wife really wants or needs. If she has been especially stressed out, then give her a few hours to herself to do whatever she wants while you take the kids. If the baby has been waking up more than usual lately and she has been tired, then take the kids out of the house for a bit so that she can take a nap. If she has been complaining of back pain, offer to give her a massage or pay for her to have a professional one. At least on this one day, even if you don't think to do it on any other day, you need to really listen to your wife. I will admit that women are not always good at telling you exactly what they want, but if you really listen, I bet she gives you hints.

12. If your wife is pregnant with your first child, she is still a mother and should be recognized as such. No questions asked.

13. Don't forget about Mother's Day. In this day and age with electronic calendars and Siri, there is absolutely no way this should even be possible, and even if it somehow is, she won't believe you.

15. If you will be out of town over Mother's Day, do not forget the card and/or gift. If the gift is something you can't bring with you, then it is ok to give it to her before you leave or after you get back, but ONLY if you have something else planned for that day wherever you will be. Giving her her gift before you leave or making her wait until you get back and then totally ignoring the day itself is never a good idea. And no using the excuse that you don't know what's going on where you will be. If you can plan an entire trip using the internet, you can also plan a special Mother's Day using the internet.

16. Don't just give her a gift card and tell her to buy something nice for herself unless you are 100% sure she will really buy something nice for herself. I'm sure it's hard for a lot of Dads to believe, but a lot of mothers would still spend it on groceries or clothes for the kids just because. If you are going to get a gift card and are unsure as to how she would spend it, or if you want to buy her an article of clothing or something else but are unsure of what to pick out, then take her shopping yourself and make sure she spends the money on something special for herself.

17. If your wife (or mother of your children) has just recently had a child, you should probably do more than you think you should. She is likely to still be suffering from hormone-induced irritableness, lack of sleep from being up in the middle of the night with your newborn, and probably feels a little neglected because most people are more interested in the baby than how she is dealing with the important job of taking care of a new life. And even if you don't think it is a big deal that she still can't fit into her pre-pregnancy clothes, she does. Plus, the aches of pregnancy and the pain of labor is still fresh in her mind, and the aftermath of everything she has been through in the last year (the not-so-pleasant recovery period) is a constant reminder to her of everything she had to go through to bring another life into this world. It is true that women have babies every day, but your wife's body grew a life and made a million sacrifices to keep that life safe inside her body and then had to go through a ton of pain (physical, mental, and emotional pain, during the birth AND after) so that that life could safely enter the world and become his or her own little person. If your wife is breastfeeding, she is still making a million sacrifices to help sustain that life. In my opinion, this makes women pretty close to superheroes:) So celebrate that on Mother's Day.

18. Spend some time with her while the kids are napping or after they have gone to bed. If she is like most moms I know, her days are filled with cartoons, baby talk, and preschool games. She needs some adult interaction, adult conversation, and adult TV every once in awhile, too. So even if all you do is sit in front of the TV and catch up on a show the two of you like to watch, it would probably still be enjoyable. Or another option would to just talk...ask her how her day was, how her job is going (if she has one), what she'd like to do on your next date night (if you're still having one after all of this mess!). It's really hard to have any kind of conversation about anything with the kids around, so take this opportunity when it comes around!

So what should you do if you have already made the mistake of not doing enough for your wife or, God forbid, not doing anything at all for her? She already knows you screwed up big time, and you can't exactly go out and get her something immediately because it will just look like you are trying to cover up the fact that you really didn't think about her, which, in fact, is exactly what it is. My advice? Apologize profusely. Several times. When she says "it's ok," know that it is still not "ok" and probably won't be for at least a couple more weeks, if you're lucky. Do things around the house that need to be done and do not ask her to do anything extra. She is probably already angry enough with you. Make an extra effort to take care of the kids more, and if you see an opportunity to do something nice for her, go ahead and try it. But definitely do not try to initiate "anything" when you are alone (if that even ever happens) because that will only make it worse. Also, don't bring home flowers and think that will magically make up for the botched Mother's Day. She gets one day of the entire year to feel special for doing what is probably the most important job in the world and she feels that she has been robbed of that opportunity (even if you did not mean to make her feel that way), so you might need to give her some space to get over it. You could wait a few days or a few weeks (depending on how she is doing) and plan a special day that is designated as a "Mother's Day Do-Over." (Do this only if you think she will be receptive to it, and make sure she knows that you know you screwed up and want to make it up to her by doing this...do not try to play it off as just another way you want to make her feel special.) Plan it just like you would any other Mother's Day, using the above tips. And then make sure you never screw up her Mother's Day ever again. Ever. She might be willing to forgive you the first time around, but if you do it twice (especially twice in a row), you may have to find somewhere else to live the rest of the year.

So why is it so important to pamper your wife on Mother's Day? It's true that if your wife wanted something, she might be able to just buy it or do it on any other day, but mothers are typically pretty bad about taking time out for themselves. Carrying a child for 9 months, birthing a child, and then caring for a child of any age is no easy feat and requires a mother to be "on call" 24/7. Even though mothers know they should take time for themselves, it is hard to do that knowing that there is still so much to be done concerning the cooking, the cleaning, the kids, etc. Contrary to popular belief, mothers are really bad at taking care of themselves because they are too busy taking care of everyone else, and they actually tend to feel bad if they take any time out to do something nice for themselves...at least I do. And even though they theoretically could just go buy themselves their own Mother's Day present, they probably won't because once they stop and think about it, the important part of Mother's Day and gifts surrounding that holiday is the fact that someone appreciated you and thought to get you something or do something nice for you. If a mother has to do that for herself, it just doesn't mean anything at all, other than the fact that her family (namely, her husband if she has small children who are too young to understand) didn't think enough of her to make her feel special. Even if you feel like you tried and never meant for things to get out of hand, it will be hard for her to understand how you didn't see what it was she wanted.

Some of this post is just for fun, but there IS a lot of truth to some of it. Hopefully, this is all just review for you (if you are a father), but if not, hopefully it will help you to be more successful on Mother's Day next year!